


well, I think I’m gonna burn in hell

by sandpapersnowman



Category: Preacher (TV)
Genre: Blood Drinking, Canon-Typical Violence, M/M, Not Actually Unrequited Love, Pining, Unrequited Crush
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-27
Updated: 2016-08-27
Packaged: 2018-08-11 03:27:18
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,376
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7874368
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sandpapersnowman/pseuds/sandpapersnowman
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When Cassidy kills another vampire for feeding on Jesse, all he'd like to do is avoid talking about it for the rest of their lives. Unfortunately, Jesse would prefer, y'know, talking about it. Which means explaining <i>why</i> seeing someone else on Jesse got him so angry.</p>
            </blockquote>





	well, I think I’m gonna burn in hell

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Gardevoirr](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Gardevoirr/gifts).



> i've been working on this on and off for a little while, but the super cool [m.e.](http://bhonesmccoy.tumblr.com/) made me and my friend matching icons so i got my ass in gear to finish this for them :')
> 
> title from mcr's [House of Wolves](http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/mychemicalromance/houseofwolves.html) because i'm bad at titles AND think i'm funny :')

He's been around for over a century, and the anger that swells up in him when he sees someone else latched onto Jesse's neck is nothing like he's ever felt.

He full-body tackles the other vampire, and as he hits him and tears him away from Jesse, it occurs to him that maybe he liked it. Maybe that was some consensual bloodsucking, and the other vampire was just the guy that didn't pussyfoot around a certain preacher and just got on with it and asked to, and Jesse had been so eager that he'd swooned and laid himself back against the pew and sighed, _'Take me'_.

That hurts worse than the idea that this guy was hurting him, so Cassidy kind of holds him by his throat with one hand and starts grabbing and shredding at the other guy's stomach with the other.

He faintly hears someone weakly saying "Cass, stop", but he's seeing too much red for his ears to work properly.

It's not until most of the guys intestines have been exposed or shuffled around and he feels a hand on his shoulder that he stops, and even then, he stops to turn and tear the throat out of whoever is trying to keep him from killing this guy.

He freezes, his teeth bared and a snarl caught in his throat, eye contact made between his feral-wide eyes and the hand on his shoulder's fear-wide eyes, as he realizes he's just turned and nearly sunk his teeth into Jesse.

That stops him. Stops him dead and snaps him out of it, and he stumbles back away from them both.

"Shit," he whispers.

He keeps pushing himself back. He thinks about running up to the attic, but he looks between the groaning vampire with his guts spilled on the floor, Jesse still frozen and staring at him in shock (and horror, probably, there's something he doesn't recognize on Jesse's face and it's probably just a previously-unknown-to-man level of disgust), and doesn't want to be there. Doesn't want to know Jesse could see him. Feels bile rise in his throat at the idea of forcing Jesse to know he's anywhere near him.

So, he... Keeps scrambling backward, away from them, until he's tripping up onto his feet, and finally turns and runs.

The sun is already set, but he doesn't know if that would have stopped him from leaving the church.

He doesn't come back home--well, back to the church--for almost a week, and when he does, he looks like hell.

" _Cassidy!_ " Jesse yells. Cassidy was slipping into the church, trying to get in without Jesse knowing.

Even this far away, he can see Cassidy jump, and immediately distance himself from the church door like he's going to run again.

" **Stay there** ," he calls. He feels weird using the voice on his friend, but he can't risk Cassidy running again before he at least gets a chance to ask where the hell he's been.

He only bothers throwing on sweatpants and a T-shirt before he runs out of the house. His heart is pounding; he'd been worried this whole time, imagining over and over again him dead somewhere or in the driver's seat of a car he's stolen, maybe hundreds of miles away already. He's imagined every possible way he could be hurt, stuck, killed, or gone. He's been losing sleep over it.

"Cass," he breathes out, relief flooding over him as he sees he doesn't appear to be hurt or anything. He wraps himself around his friend's shoulders tightly, hugging him like he might run again if he stops. "God, where have you _been_?"

Cassidy is still tense under him, and he mutters something that Jesse can't hear even this close.

"Huh?"

"I'm sorry."

"You should be," Jesse says, faux-scolding. "I've been worried sick about you."

"You're not mad?"

"I'm mad that you disappeared, yeah."

"No, no," Cassidy says. "You're not mad about... What I did?"

Jesse laughs.

"I mean, cleaning him up was a pain in the ass, yeah."

It's warm and muggy out, so Jesse slings an arm around him gently and leads him into the church.

“I’m sorry I had to ‘voice’ you like that, but, y’know, I thought you’d run off again if I didn’t.”

Cassidy nods.

“‘S fine.”

Jesse sits him down in their usual pew in the back, and sits with him after he’s sure Cassidy isn’t about to bolt.

“So… What happened, anyway?” Jesse asks.

“What, you didn’t see?” Cassidy asks sarcastically, that same edge of self-loathing back again.

“I saw, I know.” Jesse takes a deeper breath, and risks moving closer to him on the pew. “I meant why.”

Cassidy shrugs.

"I just... When I saw him on you, I lost it," he finally admits. "I was so angry that he was hurting you, and then I thought maybe he _wasn't_ , and you _wanted_ it, and I... I don't know."

He looks at the floor even harder.

"I don't know what the fuck's wrong with me. Couldn't stand the thought of some disgusting, lowlife, scum, shitty vamp on you."

It goes quiet. There's a lot of things he could mean by that, and Jesse's thinking about all of them.

“If it helps,” Jesse says, “he got me while my back was turned. Definitely not, uh… Consensual feeding.”

“I figured,” Cassidy whispers.

It gets quiet again. Jesse can’t _stand_ it.

"Cass?"

He glances up, but doesn't say anything.

"What about it bothered you?" he asks gently, trying to sound as soft and nonthreatening as he can.

"I don't know," Cassidy says again, in a way that sounds like he absolutely, yes, _does_ know, and just doesn’t want to tell him.

"Okay," Jesse says. That's fine. They can _20 Questions_ this if Cassidy’s being stubborn. "Do you think you would have reacted as strongly if it was someone different?"

Cassidy laughs, frustrated and self-depreciating.

"What, if it was another vampire or if he was feeding on someone else?"

"Either."

Cassidy shrugs and Jesse frowns. This might be closer to fifty questions if Cassidy stays quiet like this.

“What if he was feeding on some random person from town?”

“Nah,” he says after a second. “Wouldn’t’ve mattered. Nobody’d believe ‘em, wouldn’t put me in any danger.”

Jesse nods.

"And what if it was a different vampire? Someone else feeding on me?"

Cassidy's fingers twitch on his lap.

"Same," he grits out. "I think I would have felt the same as I did."

Well, that only leaves them a couple options; either Cassidy is jealous because _he_ wants to be the one slurping blood out of his veins, or he’s pissed off that someone hurt him.

 _Could be both_ , he thinks.

He sighs.

"Do you have a pocketknife?" 

Cassidy looks at him like he's crazy.

"Well, ain't that a change of subject," he says, immediately becoming more talkative when it looks like they'll be skipping the sensitive stuff. He digs one out of his pocket and hands it over. "Whatcha need it for?"

Jesse takes it with a quiet 'thank you' while he's still talking,

"Why did you react so strongly when that guy was feeding on me?" he asks. Now he's fiddling with it, blade pulled out, and he’s rubbing the blunt edge over his thumb.

"I don't know," Cassidy says, again, and this time, Jesse sighs.

"No, I think you do."

He winces as he nicks his thumb with the tip of the blade, and Cassidy takes a sharp breath.

"I'm only gonna ask one more time, Cass."

"And then what, Mr. Guilty About Having Me Stand Still is gonna _command_ me to say it?"

Jesse laughs a little at that. It's an option, but he wouldn't push it that far. He's still curious about which thing exactly got him so angry, and he's _going_ to find out.

"Was it because he was _feeding_ off me?" he asks, and brings his thumb up, bright spot of blood bubbling up on it, between them. "Or was it because he was feeding off _me_?"

Cassidy swallows.

Shit. It’s not both, because Cassidy is definitely trying to resist the temptation to latch onto his thumb. It’s something about _him_.

Jesse holds his thumb closer to Cassidy, slowly moving it closer as a silent 'it's okay'.

"Jesse, you don't know what you're doing," he mutters. He sounds like he meant for it to be a warning, like ' _you don't know what you're getting yourself into_ ', but it comes out like a last resort. Like ' _you don't know what you're doing to_ me, _Jesse_ '.

"I want to know," he mutters back.

There's a tension in the air like if either of them speaks too loudly, they'll both snap out of it and this will be over, and Cassidy will run away again and it'll never come back up.

Apparently, neither of them want that to happen.

Cassidy finally lurches forward and closes his mouth around Jesse's thumb, and as hard as Cassidy tries to stay quiet, Jesse feels the small moan he makes shudder into the cut. His hands close around Jesse's wrists to keep his hand still, and even though he's trying not to be obvious, Jesse still sees him inching closer on the pew.

It doesn't last long; the cut is shallow and after only a few seconds it hurts when Cassidy sucks to get more.

His mouth trails after it for a second when Jesse pulls it from his mouth.

"Cassidy?"

"I think we answered your question," he admits, and leans closer to Jesse to get his mouth over it again.

Jesse has to take it back again because the flesh is sore from Cassidy pulling at it, but before he can whine again, Jesse nicks his wrist. It's a little deeper and a lot more painful, especially because the blade is about as sharp as a butter knife, but it's worth Cassidy clinging to his hand again so he can drink from him.

His lips are surprisingly soft on Jesse's skin, and the way he closes his mouth over the wound is... Reverent. Careful. Almost worshipful.

He almost reaches out to hold Cassidy's head as he drinks, but decides against it. He doesn't want to interfere with the expression of want and satisfaction on Cassidy's face, or accidentally break the calm that's settled in lieu of straight answers.

Cassidy shivers and Jesse feels it through his arm, and Jesse laughs quietly about how absorbed Cassidy is but if he even heard him, he doesn't seem embarrassed.

Jesse starts getting lightheaded around the same time Cassidy’s found enough self-control to pull away on his own, even if it takes him a few times of backing off and licking up the wound again, just one last time.

Even as the bleeding stops and Cassidy’s saliva’s helping to close it, Cassidy keeps Jesse’s arm pulled close. His mouth hovers like he’s considering reopening it, and if Jesse’s seeing right in the dim light, he might be drooling some, but he puts Jesse’s arm down gently and slouches back against the pew.

“ _Lord_ ,” Cassidy sighs. 

He sounds breathless, and Jesse feels a weird kind of proud that his blood did that.

“We’re in a church,” Jesse warns halfheartedly, but Cassidy just laughs. 

He looks tired.

“You still haven’t _really_ answered me, though.”

“Really?” Cassidy groans. “What more do you need? My social security number?”

“Why me?” he clarifies. “Is it my blood type or something?”

Cassidy whispers a quiet ‘oh my God’ to himself.

“Church,” Jesse reminds him again.

"Fuck’s sake, Jess, no, it’s not your _blood type_." 

“Then _what_?”

Cassidy exerts the effort it takes to sit up again.

And then kisses him.

 _He tastes like blood_ , is Jesse's first thought. _Oh, fuck_ is the next.

Cassidy's not moving his mouth, just pressed to him to prove a point before things go any further, and after a couple of the longest seconds that have ever existed, he pulls back.

Jesse can't speak. This... This explains a lot of things.

This actually explains _too many_ of things, each of which should have been enough to let him know on their own, and now he feels like kind of an asshole for missing every single one.

"I'd appreciate you sayin' somethin', Jess," Cassidy says with a nervous laugh.

"Yeah, sorry," Jesse mumbles, but doesn't actually give him anything but that.

Cassidy sighs.

"Yeah. I'll, uh... I'll go then."

"No," Jesse says quickly. "No, just." He takes a breath. He's still processing this. "Give me a second."

Cassidy reluctantly sits back down, but won't look at him. His posture is embarrassed and curled in like he could just shrink away and disappear from shame at any second.

Jesse absently puts his hand over Cassidy's wrist to keep him from getting away.

This... Makes things make sense. Him getting angry seeing someone else feeding on him makes too _much_ sense--was it because someone else was touching him in general? If it had been someone else and they'd only been kissing his neck would Cassidy have had the same reaction? Has he been _wanting_ to feed on him or is that new?

"Okay," Jesse finally, _finally_ says.

"'Okay' what? I can leave now?" He sounds so mean, but now that Jesse knows that's apparently just how he reacts to being forced to address emotional things, he just laughs.

"Shut up."

His grip on Cassidy's wrist becomes less of an imprisonment and more of a fond hold.

"I think I get it," Jesse says.

Cassidy snorts.

"Really? You sure? Should I cancel the plane I was gonna have fly over the church tomorrow with the big 'I Want The Preacher' banner, then?"

Jesse grins. He hasn't looked Cassidy in the eye yet, for some reason; they're both staring out at the pews of the church, a weird sort of contentment settled over them.

Cassidy's wrist shifts under his palm, turning over, and Jesse feels Cassidy slip his fingers between his. It’s slow and hesitant and doubtful, like kissing and silent emotional confessions are allowed, but not holding hands.

Jesse squeezes his fingers and Cassidy finally brightens up, just a bit, with a short laugh and an uneven smile that he's very obviously fighting.

 _This_ makes sense.

**Author's Note:**

> i'm working on making my summaries actual summaries rather than excerpts, so if you think the summary didn't fit the story properly, let me know!
> 
> did you know you can find me on [tumblr](http://sandpapersnowman.tumblr.com/ao3direct)? : O


End file.
